


But We Exist

by bythelightofthenight



Series: almost hit the floor au [2]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Domestic, M/M, liek a pinch of sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-07
Updated: 2016-11-07
Packaged: 2018-08-29 17:30:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8498908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bythelightofthenight/pseuds/bythelightofthenight
Summary: He thinks his teammates wouldn't treat him differently if they found out he's sharing a bed with Monty instead of any of the women they play guessing games with. It wouldn't be any different. Still, he's a little glad he'll never find out.





	

**Author's Note:**

> me again. hello. 
> 
> another filler piece for my soul!  
> this is like noticeably later from most of the first part where i pictured harper's retirement party was already like a year from them getting together so this is proper onwards from there as well. 
> 
> so for warnings discussions of homophobia, a public planned coming out from harper, and [spoilers ig] an attempt at a fake outing of miller which is tough emotionally but i swear he's okay
> 
> OH and friends. never forget monty w long hair. thank u

Nathan gets out of his car outside the stadium only to be swarmed with reporters. Adopting a neutral face, he starts making his way towards the front doors.

“Miller! Did you know your ex girlfriend is gay?”

“Did Harper dump you because she's gay?”

“Were you her _beard_?”

“Were you mad when you found out?”

He stops and turns around. “Harper and I are good friends and I support her and Maya 100%. Thank you.”

Shutting the door behind him muffles their clamoring into background noise. Nathan keeps going until he's around the corner, out of sight, before leaning against the wall and taking steadying breaths.

With their engagement, Harper had made the decision to come out. She'd invited him over and told him about it, and he'd been nothing but happy for them. She reminded him it would bring up questions of their past relationship. He would've never told her not to go through with it just because of him.

It won't take long before they start asking about him. He hasn't appeared in public with anyone since Harper. There's a quick equation to solve.

Things haven't changed. He won't come out while he's playing professionally. Monty supports him. He's never been happier.

There's no Grindr profile for them to find, no emails or pictures to leak. His public straightness is untouchable. But it doesn't mean they won't try.

“You alright, dude?” Jones stops to lay a hand on his shoulder.

“Yeah. Just tired.”

Jones nods, squeezing his shoulder before heading for the elevators. Nathan follows him.

He thinks his teammates wouldn't treat him differently if they found out he's sharing a bed with Monty instead of any of the women they play guessing games with. It wouldn't be any different. Still, he's a little glad he'll never find out.

Bellamy gives him a careful smile as he drops his bag on the bench next to him. He doesn't say anything and Nathan's grateful.

“I kissed a dude once”, he hears Jones say and freezes. He can guess what brought this on.

“No, you didn't.”

“I did! In college. We were drunk and made out a little. It was alright. Maybe not _gonna marry him and treat him right_ nice, but it was chill.”

Mbege laughs. Nathan thinks he'll never move from the spot he's in.

“Great. Now Jones’ a...”

He doesn't hear the slur over the ringing of his ears. He knows what it sounds like, where it stabs him.

“ _Hey!_ ” Bellamy’s voice is sharp. “Say that again and you're benched for the rest of the season.”

“You can't do that”, Murphy scoffs.

“You wanna try me?”

Murphy decides to shut up, and everyone quiets down alongside him. Nathan's still focusing on breathing. He rarely gets caught off guard like this, but it feels like he's got the wind knocked right out of him.

Bellamy sits down next to him, his shoulder pressed against Nathan's. It grounds him, lets him slowly start moving again.

“You okay?” the screen of his phone reads.

He nods. He is. It was all just bad timing.

\--

“The story for the past three days has been former Devil Girl Harper McIntyre announcing her engagement to her girlfriend”, the host says.

He's had the TV on for a while, but he actually kind of likes the show. It's all about celebrities and gossip, but the host, Emori, is actually funny without being obnoxious.

The screen changes to a picture of the coming out statement Harper tweeted out before showing the picture she'd also published of Maya's hand on top of hers, showing off the ring.

“McIntyre’s now the first ever Devil Girl to have come out publicly in the history of the team. She wrote in her statement that she feels it's important to inspire positive changes in the sports industry by normalizing LGBT people's existence.

‘People are gay. I'm a lesbian and an athlete. My personal life doesn't affect my work, but it's crucial to create safe spaces in the sports world so in the future LGBT athletes don't have to make the choice between coming out and succeeding’, she said in a following press conference.”

Emori appears back on the screen. “We caught the gorgeous lady for a quick chat earlier to ask about her future missus and career plans.”

Harper’s voice plays and her words are made into text on screen. “We're really excited to get married. It's been something we've both wanted for a long time and we can't wait for it to become reality. So we're very happy, yes.”

Nathan smiles to himself.

“I'll always be a Devil Girl, but the thing about being an athlete is that at some point your body says ‘okay, time to hang those leg warmers up’. And then you just have to listen. I don't think I'll ever stop dancing, but as for my career, now it's time for something new.”

Emori takes over again. “Player Nathan Miller, also known as McIntyre’s ex boyfriend, stated this morning that he's still good friends with his ex and supports her fully.”

A soundtrack _aww_ plays.

“Miller, if you're still on the market and feel like tying the knot, you know where to find me.” Emori winks at the camera, and Nathan can't help laughing. Harper would love it.

Monty steps into the room just then. He's still in his suit, his hair coming loose in strands around his face.

“I see you're getting hit on through the TV again.” Monty pulls off his tie and drops it on the dresser. Nathan just watches him. Monty sets his jacket on the back of a chair and starts unbuttoning his shirt.

“She has a minor disadvantage.”

Monty steps out of his slacks and drapes them over the chair too. “Is that so?”

“Yeah. Really what most people suffer from.”

“Mhm?”

“They're not you.”

Monty holds his hands over his heart. “That's tough.” Nathan opens his arms and he groans. “Hold that thought.”

He disappears in the bathroom and the shower runs. Nathan waits patiently, the TV forgotten in the background.

Monty’s back in a few minutes. He's naked and his hair’s tied up again, now higher to keep it from getting wet. He pulls on a pair of sweatpants and digs around for one of Nathan's more worn hoodies. Now, he climbs on the bed and kisses him lightly before slumping into his arms.

“Best part of my day. Right here”, he mumbles into Nathan's chest.

“You wanna go to sleep?”

“No, no. We'll get freaky in a sec.” Monty pats his crotch, his eyes shut.

Nathan huffs. “Let's sleep, Mon.”

“Don't wanna move. Just lie with me.”

“You're lucky I'm too lazy to manhandle you.”

“Oh that's never lucky.”

Monty pushes a hand under his hoodie, his palm flat against his stomach, and sighs happily. Nathan lets his eyes slip shut.

\--

“Hey, kiddo”. His dad gives him a one-armed hug as he's trying to get through the front door.

Monty's right behind him and gets one as well. It still makes him let out a breath of relief. He hadn't realized how badly he wanted his dad to like Monty. It was never an issue, but it just makes him especially happy.

Being in his childhood home always makes him relax. It's a place where he's never had to be anyone but himself. Monty's constantly smiling at him when he catches his eye. His dad seems to be in a good mood as well. Maybe it's the holidays, he doesn't know.

“Hey. Nathan.”

Monty closes the door with a soft click and moves across the room on his toes. Nathan stretches his arms lazily, allowing him to slip back into bed and settle against his side.

“Why are you tip-toeing?”

“Because I don't think your dad knows we're up yet. And I just heard him on the phone.”

“Alright, detective.”

Monty pinches his side. “No. He was talking to someone called Lorelei. Promising her he'd tell you as soon as he can.”

“Tell me what?”

“How would I know?”

Nathan sighs. “What do you think, then?”

“Well the obvious answer is that he's got himself a lady friend. And he wants to tell you about her. That's all I've got.”

“Why wouldn't he just tell me? It's not like he has to come out as straight to me first?”

Monty looks up at him, tracing the line of his collarbone with a finger. “But it's someone important to him. The first person he wants to introduce to you since your mom passed away. It's a big deal.”

“Oh. Right.”

“How do you feel?”

“Of course I'm happy for him. I'm a little too old for a replacement mom situation. I don't want him to be lonely either. He's always been there for me. He deserves to be happy.”

“You're a good son.” Monty presses a kiss to his jaw.

David confesses right at breakfast. Nathan's never seen him quite as nervous as when he asks if it's okay that he's invited Lorelei to dinner. They've been seeing each other for almost six months. He hugs him tightly and tells him he can't wait to meet her.

Monty squeezes his hand with a smile.

\--

Monty's family is bigger and louder. He loves visiting them, while Monty gets stressed over it.

He has two adoptive siblings, who both happen to be gay. Nathan can't even imagine growing up that way. Not that he wasn't supported at home, but he never really knew other gay people as a kid.

As they get to the house, the yelling is audible even before they open the door. Anya and Luna's eldest dashes past them with Lincoln right behind her.

“Good to be home”, Monty sighs over the ear piercing giggles. Nathan rubs his shoulder, already feeling lighter.

“There you are!” Monty's mom, Hannah, has her other grandchild on her hip as she comes over to hug them.

“Hi, mom.” Monty kisses her cheek and accepts baby Oliver into his arms so Hannah can greet Nathan.

“So good to see you, Nathan.” Hannah touches his cheek. “We were afraid you wouldn't be able to come.”

“Oh, he's the one always telling me to bring him here”, Monty huffs.

Nathan smiles sheepishly while Hannah laughs. “Well, there's always room here.”

Lincoln’s caught Charlie and she's now sitting on his shoulders. “Hey!”

“Hey!” Charlie repeats, covering his uncle's eyes with her hands.

“Where have you lost the mothers?”

“They went for a walk not long ago”, Hannah explains.

“To get away from these monsters.” Lincoln tickles the bottom of Charlie's foot to get his eyesight back. He kneels to let the girl down so she can skip over to Monty.

“Hey, uncle Mon! You're late for Christmas.”

Nathan’s suddenly got a baby in his arms. Oliver watches him with a stern face. He carefully touches the child's chubby hand. He's learned he rather likes kids.

“I know. I'm sorry.” Monty picks up his niece. “But I brought you presents so am I forgiven?”

“Well okay.”

They go after Hannah and Lincoln into the kitchen. Lincoln’s husband Wells waves at them by the stove. Ever since Monty told them about him, his family's been following basketball to see Nathan play. Lincoln and Wells have been to a few of his games too. Nathan can't quite explain the feeling, but it means a lot to him.

At dinner he sits between Monty and Luna. It's tight with the highchairs, but they all fit.

\--

“Do you think about getting married and having kids?”

They're home again, lying in bed after the flight.

“Yeah”, Monty says. “Do you?”

“With you I do.”

Monty rolls over to look at him. “You didn't before?”

“I've never been in love before.”

Monty kisses the back of his hand.

“I wouldn't want a kid while I'm doing this, though. It's no place for a kid.”

“I get that.”

“You know you could complain a little?”

“About what?”

Nathan shrugs. “About my career ruling our relationship. I don't know.”

“I've told you I'm okay with it.”

“But you could still not be happy with it.”

“I'm never gonna ask you to come out. You know that.”

“I do. Sometimes I just think I never will. And I don't know how I feel about it.”

Monty frowns. “You think you'd have to after you retire?”

“I don't know.”

“You know... you never have to. Even after you retire.”

“I know. I just always hoped I'd want to.”

“The people closest to you know. That can be enough.”

He rolls on top of Monty and kisses him softly. “I still want to marry you. And have a life with you. And have kids with you.”

Monty laughs, nipping at his bottom lip. “Tell me more.”

“I wanna have a mortgage with you. I wanna complain about mowing the lawn to you. I wanna teach our kids basketball really obnoxiously.”

“You're too rich to have a mortgage.”

“Well. Half of that will be yours too.”

“See now I'm convinced.” Monty hugs him closer as he laughs into his neck.

Nathan leans back enough to look him in the eye. “I love you.”

Monty groans and kisses him hard. “Take off your pants.”

He rolls his eyes but does as he says swiftly.

\--

Monty's away for a few days, and Nathan remembers how much he hates waking up alone now. His presence has brought so much light and stability into his life that being without it is a pain.

As he steps out of the bathroom, his phone is buzzing continuously. He's left the sound on so he wouldn't miss Monty's call, but this isn't Monty.

The flood of notifications takes him to his Twitter feed. He sees exclamation points, words he never wants to see again, links to a trashy gossip site. Then there's the picture.

It's not him, but it might as well be. They've photoshopped on the tattoos on Nathan's arms and the blurry effect lets the man’s face pass as his profile. What's also visible is the other man in the picture with his lips on “his” neck and his hands somewhere between them.

It's not him. But he still feels sick to his stomach. It could be him and Monty, drunk and careless against the outside wall of a club.

It's not them. And he never wants it to be.

His phone ringing suddenly scares him half to death. It's Monty. Of course it is.

“Hey”, he sounds breathless, “are you okay?”

“Yeah. Just saw it.”

“It's everywhere. I'd say the photoshopping is sloppy at best but it's not like tabloids care. Are you okay?”

“You already asked me that.”

Monty sighs. “I'm coming home.”

“Don't --”

“Nathan. I'm coming home. I don't want you dealing with this alone. And it is still my job.”

“Okay. Fine.”

“Are you good to go to practice?”

“Yeah. I guess. I... didn't think that far.”

“You can say it's not you. Casually. Or ignore them. Okay?”

“Yeah.”

Monty's quiet for a second. “I love you. I'll see you soon.”

“I love you too.”

Bellamy's calling him not two seconds after the call ends.

“Hey, you okay?”

“I'm fine.”

“Are you coming in today?”

It'd be more noticeable if he didn't. He tells Bellamy that. Bellamy doesn't argue, though Nathan knows he wants to.

Getting into the stadium feels surreal. They're not asking about Harper this time. It's a tiny glimpse of everything he never wanted.

“So you're gay now too?” Mbege raises a brow at him as he walks into the locker room.

“So they say.”

“You'd imagine they'd recognize it's not your magnificent ass on that dude”, Jones huffs. He stays still for a moment. “Wait - am _I_ gay?”

“I had a porn video out once. I think my dating life would do better if I _did_ suck dick that well”, Mbege ponders.

“Dude, you watched your own fake porn movie?”

“Obviously!”

“Okay! Everyone get your questionably straight asses into the gym”, Bellamy calls out in his Captain Voice.

Nathan thinks he hasn't breathed in the past five minutes. Bellamy doesn't really know how to comfort him. It's probably best he just focuses on the practice for now, anyway.

\--

As soon as Monty's through the door, he envelopes Nathan in a hug. His day has been the worst possible. Everything from his teammates’ - well-meaning but for obvious reasons missing the point - jokes to the looks random people were sending his way had him on edge.

“I'm so sorry”, Monty whispers. “It'll blow over. It'll be okay.”

And really, he should let himself feel terrible. He knew it was coming and now he just has to ride it out. But it's still the worst situation he could be forced in.

“I know.”

Monty lets him go but grabs his wrist and leads him to the kitchen. He makes him drink water and Nathan does what he says to calm him. It's both of their secret after all. They're both jittery.

“I talked to Indra. She says it's up to you if you want to answer officially, but she thinks a tweet will do since everyone's watching.” Monty sighs. “I hate doing this to you.”

“It's not your fault.”

“But I know it hurts.”

Nathan doesn't say anything. Monty sighs again. He digs out his phones and switches them all off, leaving them on the counter.

“Come take a shower with me.”

He lets Monty take care of him. It's easier than thinking. His entire mind is working in slow motion like refusing to process his current situation would keep it from being real. Monty's hands on his skin ground him even if he can't focus on the things he's saying.

After the shower they climb into bed. Monty rests against the headboard and Nathan lies between his legs, back to chest.

He knows he'll talk soon. The coursing in him would eventually find its way out. Monty simply strokes his skin from his bare shoulders to the tips of his fingers and back up over his thighs.

“I'll never want to come out.”

Monty doesn't say anything, letting him slowly gather his thoughts.

“This. This would define everything that I am and everything I can still become. And it does, it's an integral part of me. I am gay. But it's the one thing I won't give them.

Because you know what this is? It's scandals, it's headlines, it's website hits. And the worst part is. It's about sex. They'll never care about how much I love you, how important you are to me. That's not something I'm allowed. It's all about if they can handle the thought of my sex life.

The things I've read today, posted on every sport site, chat room and Twitter feed - no one should have to read that about themselves. And this is not even really me. What if it had been us in that picture? They'd wanna hurt you just as much.

And even though these people, the people who support or hate _my team_ , are remorselessly unloading their homophobia and violence onto me, _I'm_ the one who has to hurt myself more. I have to actively deny who I am so they'll feel better.

And if the situation was different and I was gonna come out now, some would still ask why I didn't just tell them earlier. But I don't owe them a fucking thing.”

He lets out a long breath, letting himself relax against Monty. Monty's hand moves up for a moment and when it returns to his skin, his sleeve is wet.

Nathan leans to the side to see him. “Don't cry, baby.”

“I'm just upset that... that nothing I do can make it better.”

“You've done more than you can imagine just by being here. With me.”

“You're the strongest person I know.”

Nathan gives him a kiss. He pulls Monty's arms tighter around himself and just breathes.

“Tell me something good.”

Monty noses his temple. “In a few months you'll have a championship ring that no one can take away from you.”

“Mhm.”

“And when you win and the official celebrations are over, I'm going to propose to you.”

He takes a shaky breath. “Yeah?”

“And whatever happens in the future, you'll always know I'll be by your side.”

“I don't need a ring for that.”

“Good.” Monty's hair tickles his cheek. “Good.”

Nathan laces their fingers together. He thinks about how he's only ever wanted to play basketball. He thinks about playing until his body gives in, about quitting and never looking back. Because playing basketball is far from being the only thing he wants anymore.

But with Monty he doesn't have to choose.

**Author's Note:**

> me: /not sure if i ever wanna get married  
> me: /writes everyone wanting to get married  
> ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> n rmr kids. never coming out is perfectly okay n it's 100% ur own choice!!


End file.
